Ted R's top tens #8: My top ten favourite football matches

Even though I haven't been watching football all my life and I would've really considered my passion for watching the sport foster in the last couple of years I'd still say that with my ligther than-some experience of footy around the world that I can still easily point out my favourite manouveres, playing styles, players and of course matches.  When we all look at our favourite matches it may be a simple display of skill or an abosulte goalfest as some may have different agendas for judging football matches.  Myself being a bit of an ipartial fan to most playing styles, I can recognise when a manouvre I like such as a heading volley has been done badly or one that I dislike has been done well like the onside obstruction of another player.

As a fan of one of the most inconsistent teams in Britain, Charlton Athletic, I'm also privy to judging matches both in their relevance of either being a good match in a good run or as a comeback from a downturn of form for a battered team.  This happens allot and so I'll be taking all the above factors into account as I account my top ten favourite football matches of all time.  And sorry USA fans, I'm bloody not well calling it 'soccer'.


Number 10: Arsenal 4 - Aston Villa 0 (2015 FA cup final, 30 may 2015)

Image source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/32856754

When watching a momentous game of footy, most true football fans will likley remember where they were when watching said match and the atmosphere.  I can't really imagine how it was for Villa as they saw their chances of gaining their first FA cup in several years get crushed by a far superior Arsenal side including the likes of Alexis Sanchez, Mesut Ozil, Olivier Giroud and Kieran Gibbs.  True this team isn't as good as the world-beating side of the legendary 2003-04 season that never lost  a game but it was clear from the first goal at 40 minutes in by winger Theo Walcott that Villa were about to recieve an arse-shredding of epic proportions.

In the pub that I was in watching the match with my Arsenal mates I felt the atmosphere turn positivley ecstatic as each succeeding goal from Arsenal went in including the last-second and delirious-reaction-inducing 96th minute goal from Olivier Giroud to hand the Gunners their second FA cup in a row, the first time a team had done so since 2004.  I know there'll probably be some Spurs and Villa fans staring in anger at this entry but I have to put it on because even as someone who isn't an Arsenal fan, I have to admit that this one was magical.

Number 9 - Faroe islands 2 - Greece 1 (Euro 2016 qualifier stage, 13 Jun 2015)

Image source: http://www.theguardian.com/football/2015/jun/14/faroes-humiliate-greece-double-euro-2016-qualifying

Well it kind of goes without saying that this was an unexpected one eh?  When the tiny, non-professional team of the equally small archipelago nation of the Faroe islands beat the 2004 Euro cup champions Greece 1-0 in an earlier qualifying stage match for the 2016 Euro cup in November of 2014, not many people least of all myself really expected lightning to strike twice for the plucky nation of the Faroe Islands but it did and the most surprising sports result since David Haye being a boring as-fuck boxer with a bad pussyfooter streak became a regular occurrence. 

In some moments during both matches, I did think that the plucky Faroeans got a bit lucky and there's also the convenient point that everyone forgets that the Greek team that won the 2004 Euro competition was boring as fuck as in early-1990s Arsenal or Chelsea during their 'park-the-bus' stage boring.  They basically chose the easiest possible tactic with no risk and just went for that.  True, Greece in recent years has produced a truly formidable national team that now plays with a far greater degree of flair but I really don't think that we should undermine the magnitude of the Faroe-Islands victory.

Either way, I have to give massive congrats to the Faroeans for their epic victory and wish them luck in summer 2016 and give my considerable condolence to Greece for being humiliated.  Wonder how far the Faroeans will go in this one...?

Number 8 - Chelsea 2 - Stoke City 1 (2014-15 Barclays Premier League, 4 Apr 2015)

Image source: http://www.goal.com/en-sg/news/3877/england/2015/04/05/10471022/adam-rooney-beckham-the-premier-leagues-long-range-wonder/charlie-adam-chelsea-2-1-stoke

Ok so as a Charlton fan I really can't say that I like Chelsea all that much.  They're kind of the big bully of the playground that is top-tier English football and while I have a few friends who support Chelsea myself I have to say this (with all due respect) in order to contextualise the placement of this match on this list.  Realistically, the only reason aside from the decent football from both Stoke and Chelsea to put this game on this list is the absolutely insane goal that Scotland CM Charlie Adams scored for Stoke...yards within his own half...hot fucking damn.  Honestly, I don't support either Chelsea or Stoke but when I watched this match in the house of one of my best friends who himself is a Stoke City supporter me and him both went absolutely mental jumping off the sofa we were sitting on when Courtois was humiliated from half a county away.

Now think for a second.  Why would I put this up on this list when Adam does these kind of mad longshots in training when Tim Howard or Begovic do them as mad lucky punts and score sick goals from the position of GK?  Well the reason for me at least is that Adam showed that despite only being rated 76 overall on the current FIFA game, he has enough skill and insane concentration to pull of a goal from several yards within his own half surrounded by tough-looking Chelsea midfielders against one of the best goalkeepers in the world and arguably the best Belgian keeper of all time.  If you can do that then you have got some mad talent.  So Charlie Adam, hats of to yourself my man.

Number 7 - Wigan Athletic 1 - Manchester City 0 (2013 FA cup final, 11 May 2013)

Image source: http://www.theaustralian.com.au/sport/football/underdogs-wigan-in-fairytale-fa-cup-win-over-manchester-city/story-fn63e0vj-1226640298398

Some people call the now-iconic victory of then-premier league Wigan Athletic over multi-billion-pounds-worth Manchester City, aka the Apple Inc of English football as the greatest giant killing in the history of the FA cup and while I disagree to a certain extent I can see why people say this.  Really though, when you consider that Wigan were relegated the same season that they beat city in this cup final and had a mere fraction of the transfer budget that City had you can more than see why people are hard 'n' ready to erect statues of this now-legendary match. 

For most of the match looking back, it seems like both teams were more toe-to-toe with one another than I originally remember but it does seem like the more that Wigan crack down City's defence tiny bit by bit that the skill on show from Wigan becomes more and more apparent.  I wouldn't say its like City completely collapsed in this match but the coup de grace of Ben Watson's 90th-minute header goal is easily one of my favourite goals of all time.  Not only did it win Wigan's first bit of major silverware in 81 years or absolutely humiliate one of the 5 biggest clubs in England (the other four being Liverpool, Arsenal, Manchester United and Chelsea) but the sheer 'this is the end' cataclysm-esque moment of Watson's insane injury-time header is the stuff of dreams for any football fan really. 

And while I do sympathise with the City fans who had to go and see their team get crushed by another one they should've beaten with the amount of money it had pumped in, I can't deny I feel more than a little bit of mutual pride for the bright-eyed Wigan fans who went home that day singing to high heaven.  Pity that Charlton beat Wigan 3-0 near the end of the next season lolololololololololololololololololololol.

6 - Barcelona 5 - Rayo Vallecano 2 (2015-16 La Liga BBVA, 17 Oct 2015)

Image source: http://www.lagranepoca.com/deportes/22459-cronica-del-fc-barcelona-rayo-vallecano-5-2.html

I don't get the option much to watch foreign league football all that much as I usually watch live football with my mates on their Sky accounts or catch something in a pub while having a few pints and perhaps a bit of scotch or vodka with the lads.  However, when I went to Catalonia in late 2015 to see my infant Catalonian cousin for the first time as he had turned 2, I was treated to another great experience (although meeting my youthful cousin was a far more wonderful experience than watching a Barca game, please don't hit me Barca fans) when one night, after walking out with the family, we returned to the restaurant in our hotel and on the projector they were playing the La Liga game between Rayo Vallencano and La Liga titans Barcelona.  It was the first time I saw a La Liga game in its entirety and I'm fucking glad I did.

I didn't support either team but with Vallencano sporting a pretty snazzy kit and Barca of course fielding one of my favourite players of all time (i.e. Lionel Messi), I was hooked the moment a goal was scored.  It didn't matter which team scored which goal or when, the football and the athleticism and elegance contained within it was something to behold as I saw Neymar personally execute Rayo Vallencano by putting 4 of Barca's 5 goals in this match past the very unfortunate opposing keeper.  And while this helped cement Barca's place at the top of the league table, Rayo also were able to put on a cracking performance themselves hinting at a comeback a couple of times by putting two sleek goals past Barca goalkeeper Bravo.  This was the first time I'd seen a foreign league match in full but I certainly hope it isn't my last.

Number 5 - Charlton Athletic 4 - Arsenal 2 (2001-02 Barclays Premier League, 4 Nov 2001)

Image source: http://www.premierleague.com/en-gb/news/features/on-this-day-4-nov-2001-arsenal-2-charlton-4.html

Ok so I'm definitely not trying to piss of all my Arsenal mates but I probably will unintentionally by putting this match that probably pisses off allot of Arsenal fans off while warming the hearts of their Charlton counterparts.  And I really think that this is one of the most warm and fondly remembered moments for Charlton fans as it was one of the last times that Charlton drew or won against the mighty North-London club that once based itself just down the road from SE 7. 

Much like the previous entry, despite whoever won, the football from both sides was fantastic with Arsenal putting on a great show of attacking football with Charlton looking for any opportunity to smash an opening in the Gunners midfield and counterattack.  After Arsenal taking the lead 1-0 early on, Charlton steadily overran the Gunners backline and proceeded to put 4 goals past the North Londoners including my favourite goal of Charlton's second run in the premier league when Claus Jensen chipped a ball all the way from the corner flag on the left of the Arsenal goal up over two Gunner defenders and their goalkeeper into the back of the Arsenal net.  And what makes this all the more sweeter for me?  The fact that this was an away match for Charlton at Arsenal's old ground of Highbury & Islington.  As my OG Charlton supporter of a dad would say 'that's fucking blinding mate'.

Number 4 - Liverpool 5 - Norwich City 4 (2015-16 Barclays Premier League, 23 Jan 2016)

Image source: http://sportbild.bild.de/fussball/premier-league/fussball/liverpool-wahnsinn-klopp-team-siegt-in-norwich-44271646.sport.html

And here we have the most recent match on the list.  Again, brilliant football on display here but what makes me place this very recent BPL match so high on this list between two teams I don't support is just how close it was.  Watching extended clips and highlights of the match made me realise that not only on the basis of the scoreline and chances created were Norwich and Liverpool very close here but they were both very close in terms of the skill on display.  In his first few months as Liverpool gaffer, the enigmatic Jurgen Klopp failed to get really dramatic victories in excluding of course his smashing 6-1 victory over Southampton in the Capital One Cup. 

However, this easily cements him as the right man, as of this post, for the position of Liverpool boss because by the devil do Liverpool need some central stability right now.  They also need Sturridge to not be constantly injured, a new world-beater striker to succeed Suarez and a new and experienced CDM to succeed Gerrard but this closely-fought match between the Anfield-based club and yon canaries.

Number 3 - Bradford City 4 - Chelsea 2 (2015 FA cup 4th round, 24 Jan 2015)

Image source: http://depor.pe/futbol-internacional/chelsea-vs-bradford-copa-fa-fecha-hora-y-posibles-alineaciones-1033811

Now THIS was the true FA cup giant-killing I was mentioning earlier.  I don't care if Bradford didn't win this cup campaign.  I know this may cheese off some of my Chelsea supporter mates but the fact that not only Bradford came back from 2-0 down to win against one of the biggest clubs in the world, or that Chelsea have an immeasurably larger number of international players, or that Chelsea fielded titan-like players like Eden Hazard, Diego Costa or Courtois but the fact that at the time, Bradford were 2 leagues below Chelsea.

I used to think that Wigan beating Man City was the greatest FA cup giant-killing of all time but once my dad made me aware of the magnitude of this giant-slaying by Bradford I realised how wrong I was.  Not to diss Wigan fans of course but when there's such a gap between Chelsea and little old Bradford and yet the underdog wins, I have to give the golden title of top-grade giant-killer in FA cup folklore to Bradford.  I've seen Charlton and other teams that I like such as Brighton, Arsenal or Leicester beat Chelsea in the league before but for it to be done on a stage such as the FA cup and by such an underdog as Bradford?  Truly the stuff of dreams that any football fan would want to see in person.

Number 2 - Charlton Atheltic 4 - Sunderland 4 [7-6 on penalties to Charlton] (1998 First Division play-off final, 25 May 1998)

Image source: http://talksport.com/magazine/top-ten/2011-05-27/charlton-v-sunderland-man-city-v-gillingham-and-bolton-v-reading-top-10-play-finals

I have no doubt in my mind that this is easily the greatest Charlton Athletic game of all time.  Forget beating Arsenal at Highbury & Islington in 2001 or beating Chelsea in their first match against Chelsea after being promoted in the 1999-2000 season.  This is the real shit, this game cements not only Clive Mendonca and Richard Rufus as two of my favourite Charlton players of all time or Alan Curbishley as my favourite manager that Charlton has ever had but the fact that for the first time since the formation of the league system in English football in favour over the old divisions system, Charlton was propelled into the top flight by what many have come to regard as the best play-off game in England of the 1990s. 

And don't give me that 'oh Ted you're only saying that because you're A Charlton fan blech blech blech!'.  Even if I wasn't A Charlton fan, I would still say that this is one of the best domestic matches of the 1990s and supremely entertaining as a play-off final including 8 goals leading to full-extra-time then a 13-goal penalty shootout including a hatrick by one of the best talents to come out of Wales in years. 

This was another match where both sides came dangerously close to beating one another thanks to some great midfield work by Sunderland and some quality forwards put on by Charlton as well as good football all-round on both sides.  However, I would be lying if any other moment from the highlights of this great game made my heart, as a Charlton fan, soar more than when the Charlton keeper blocks the final penalty from Sunderland player Michael Gray and made the Charlton end of Wembley stadium explode in joyous celebration.  Truly a moment that any Charlton fan there or watching the telly on the day will remember forever.

Number 1 - Germany 7 - Brazil 1 (2014 World Cup semi-final, 8 Jul 2014)

Image source: http://quoteimg.com/brazil-vs-germany-7-1/

I might have some funny looks from other England fans by putting up arguably one of if not the greatest victory that Germany of all teams have ever had at the world cup but I just had to.  I know Brazil have a long-storied history of brilliance and glamorous players winning stunning matches throughout the history of the world cup but they were fucking awful during this match and lukewarm before it in the 2014 competition.  Hell, this wasn't even the only match in world cup history where a nation has won by 6 goals or where Brazil have unexpectedly lost or was even the most important match of the 2014 world cup itself but I can't deny that this was easily the most iconic match of 2014.

I know there will be some of you disputing this and I understand but hear me out.  When you have a game that makes up Brazil's worst world cup defeat ever, sees Germany 5-0 up before 30 minutes are over, makes Klose the record world cup scorer and marks Brazil's first competitive home defeat in 39 years and sees two of the most decorated teams in world cup history absolutely crushed by an inexorable juggernaut of Germanic efficiency.

This is my favourite international game, my favourite giant v giant match, my favourite world cup game and easily my favourite football game of all time...bar none...no substitutes.

It's all cool beans and barbecue sauce though, I still love the 1966 world cup final too.

Ted 'R's Top Tens #7: Top ten favourite Star Wars games

Merry Christmas people!  Before I get into this list I just thought that I'd give a bit of late festive cheer and wish you all a great new year and hope you had a great Christmas and if you don't celebrate it then at least that you all had an amazing December and end of the year.  I thought as well that with the recent release of the FPS mass-success Star Wars Battlefront which reboots the classic multi-person shooter series in an FPS format and the film Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (the latter of which you lot know I've already reviewed) not to mention the announcement of the production of Star Wars Episode VIII I would guess you're all Star Wars weary.

But you know what I say to all that?  Fuck it.  I know that Star Wars is getting a bit of extreme coverage and talking about at the moment so people will probably be getting tired of it at this point if it isn't their sort of thing but with how much of a huge year this was for Star Wars I thought it appropriate to touch off the year with a top ten list of my favourite Star Wars games.

Admittedly some Star Wars games can be pretty shite like Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic 2 (2004) or Shadows of the Empire (1996) but for the most part I think they are pretty good or at least try to do something inventive and enjoyable with the tried and tested Star Wars formula.  Speaking to the point, Star Wars is so tried and tested in its story and universe and is so open that the franchise is open to having any number of genres being made out of it in the video game world.  So without further ado, lets get into this varied fruit salad of a top ten and count down what, in my opinion, are some of the most admirably and passionately made games I've ever played.

Number 10 - Star Wars Jedi Starfighter (2002)

Image Source: www.emuparadise.me

OK so this one is easily the weakest game on the list (which is why its at only number 10 you fucking simpletons) but even in the scene of free-flying combat flight simulators created in the late-1990s and early-2000s many of course which were Star Wars games.  Jedi Starfighter easily outpaces its 2001 predecessor Star Wars Starfighter not only by having a much fairer rate of difficulty progression in the single-player campaign and bonus missions but also having notably more varied space ships with which to blast about the place in.

The story isn't really much to write home about but that's never really been the main emphasis with the Star Wars flight-sims I find.  To be honest this fits as your attention is drawn to the mad manoeuvres you can pull of with different starfighters from across Star Wars canon.  Jedi Starfighter manages to have at least a moderately investing story with a wide variation of objectives in each single-player mission and some bonus levels that offer truly gripping action scenarios.  True, the game's story is somewhat limited by being linked to the film Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (2002) which many would argue is one of the weaker Star Wars features especially in the story department.  Thankfully if this would turn you off then I can gladly say that the plot from the film takes the back seat to a sometimes harrowing plot about a team of jedi and pirate mercenaries desperately trying to stop a separatist general's plot to destroy the republic clone army with a biological super-WMD.

Add to this the varied starfighters and gameplay albeit with less of a sense of adventure of previous starfighter games and yet you still have a highly compelling flight-combat simulator that I would highly recommend to anyone into this genre and who owns a PS 2.

Number 9 - Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005)

Image Source: forums.ffshrine.org

Despite how varied the ventures of the Star Wars franchise have been into the many realms of video game genres its ventures into fighting games have been very few and far between and very small on commercial success.  Probably the most prominent Star Wars fighting game aside from this one is Star Wars: Masters of Teras Kasi (1997) which has been reviled by many as both one of the worst licensed and fighting games of all time.  Fortunately, while the tie-in game to the film Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005) is no Tekken 5 (2004) or Super Street Fighter II (1993) its still a nicely balanced fighting game with a small but varied character roster and some of the most satisfying uses of a lightsaber I've ever had in a video game.

Like I said though, this isn't one of the greatest fighting games ever made but the small size applied to wide variation of play-styles in the character roster helped to make this feel like something of an unappreciated gem in the over-saturated scene of fighting games in the mid-2000s.  To be fair, there are characters that feel somewhat overpowered in duel mode (Old Obi-Wan and General Greivous I'm looking at you two) but the lightsaber combat in all its simple fluidity more than makes up for this.  Admittedly, performing elegant lightsaber clashes with button pressing on the PS2 controller may not account for the most apparent and immediately immersive lightsaber combat but its certainly better than the alternative found in motion controls such as in Star Wars Kinect (2012).

As for the story it isn't too much to write home about.  You play through alternative scenes from the actual movie from different perspectives as either Obi-Wan Kenobi or Anakin Skywalker (thankfully with his whining and emo hair fringe toned down considerably) and with two different endings and a reasonably lengthened campaign at 17 missions you feel like you get your moneys worth.  Definitely not as good as many fighting games out there but a decent one and a great Star Wars experience all the same.

Number 8 - Lego Star Wars: The Video Game (2005)

Image Source: lego.wikia.com

While none of the Star Wars films (with somewhat exception to episode VII) are not that dark, its kind of inevitable that, whatever franchise will be turned into a Lego game, that the tone will be lightened by being set in the kid-friendly world of these iconic plastic building blocks.  I suppose there is a bit of bias in putting this game on here because Lego was one of the central pop-culture pillars of my childhood and Star Wars is one of my top three film franchises of all time (alongside James Bond and the Marvel cinematic universe) but it still isn't as good as the games coming after it on this list.  The explanation is simple as I simply just enjoy those games a bit more but even still, this is one of the most user-friendly and expansive action/adventure games released in the mid-2000s.  And given the success of the Jak and Daxter and Rachet & Clank  series' around this time (2001-2013 and 2002-present respectively) that's saying allot.

Overall the action/adventure gameplay in this entry into the Lego games saga is quite simple but with the added dimension of lightsaber combat and no hokey voice-acting in sight it acts at least as a great intro for little kids or first-time gamers into the world of Star Wars and adventure games.  Like I said, arguably the biggest strength of this game is its open endedness to the gameplay coupled with the simple and user-friendly interface, menus and gameplay.  Nothing is too heavily expositioned or explained the fuck out of but the game explains everything just enough and primarily through character expression and gameplay, arguably just the way it should be for these kind of games.

This is easily one of the most underrated adventure games of the mid-2000s and a great game for little kids as its nice and light in tone and user-friendly but challenging enough that its still a fun experience and more than worth your money especially as it covers the plots and settings of all 3 of the prequel films.

Number 7 - Star Wars: Bounty Hunter (2002)

Image Source: starwars-funymas.rhcloud.com

OK so I'm not purposefully trying to repeat myself over and over again but I feel like I am unintentionally am doing so by saying that this is easily one of the most under-appreciated 3rd-person shooters and action/adventure titles of all time.  Again, its not the most refined out of these two genres but the way that Bounty Hunter smoothly melds together these two gameplay genres is nothing short of encore-worthy.  I never really got that into this game when it first came out as I was more preoccupied by the likes of the original Star Wars Battlefront and the aforementioned Jedi Starfighter which were released the same year and to a considerable degree overshadowed the fledgling 3rd-person shooter cousin of these two games.  

I was however introduced to this game with great gusto and enthusiasm by my best friend who to this day tells me that its either one of if not his very favourite video game of all time.  In all fairness I can see why as despite some clunky interfaces here and there and some spotty graphics, Bounty Hunter seamlessly merges intense tactical 3rd-person combat encompassing multiple weapons and gadgets with a sense of exploration and adventure seen not all that often in 3rd-person shooters of the time.  The gameplay here isn't as user-friendly as in the previous entries and is also considerably harder on a basic level but the difficulty for me is a highly rewarding factor of this gaming experience as we see famed and feared Mandalorian bounty hunter Jango Fett make his way to the top of the bounty hunting food chain and gather together all of his iconic gadgets and weapons.

Add into this a suitably dark narrative and an interesting sense of moral ambiguity in the single player along with one of the most intense and terrifying video game final stages I've ever played.  Seriously, don't pass this one up.  Especially if you like intense final stages that make you shit yourself.

Number 6 - Star Wars: X-Wing Alliance (1999)

Image Source: store.steampowered.com

Out of all the games on this list, X-Wing Alliance is probably the one I've played the least but is also one of the most varied and definitely the most expansive.  Coming out years before other space -flight/combat-free-flying-sims like Freelancer (2003), Darkstar One (2006) or Elite Dangerous (2014), Alliance defined itself by being possibly one of the most expansive and free-roaming games ever made up until that point and a cornerstone of the Star Wars X-Wing games starting way back in 1994 with Star Wars X-Wing.

All of the X-Wing sub-series feels expansive and free-roaming and were all years ahead of most other combat/flight-simulators of the mid to late-1990s.  They didn't bog themselves down too much with story like the Starfighter series did and instead focused on making the expansive world feel bigger with larger environs and more varied gameplay with each successive entry into the series.  In a way I feel that the release of Alliance in 1999 being the last one in the series is kind of sad because while the series as a whole was very culturally influential on flight-sims and other alternative adventure games, the games themselves were all very good flight-sims indeed.  Perhaps it was because, at the time, this was a niche market in the video-game industry or perhaps the X-Wing series couldn't compete with the growing popularity of a then-little-known series called Ace Combat (1992-present).

Either way and whatever this cause may be, I strongly recommend Alliance and the other X-Wing games if you're one for flight-sims and especially if you're not that into the more streamlined gameplay of something like Starfighter.

Number 5 - Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (2003)

Image Source: store.steampowered.com

Most gamers will undoubtedly heard of this one.  Released in 2003 to wide acclaim and applaud, Knights of the Old Republic is considered by many to not only be one of the best Star Wars games of all time but possibly one of the best RPG's of all time as well.  Its not hard to see why really as what was then becoming a genre about as stale as 10-year old Christmas cake covered in moulding flour was reinvigorated somewhat by the sheer scope, replayability and fascinating world, characters and dialogue that this legendary RPG had to offer.  Add to this a large amount of character customisation and specialisation and one of the best plot twists in video game history and you have a quintessential Star Wars gaming experience tied up in a neat little RPG package.  Is small the proper adjective though?  I feel that with how much dialogue, exploration and customisation there is on offer here that my choice of words is somewhat flawed.

Either way, I've talked about this game before at length in reviews of other sci-fi games I've done not to mention my worst sequels top ten list where I lambasted Knights of the Old Republic's inbred and mentally challenged brother of a sequel released barely a year later with somehow worse graphics and gameplay variation.  But don't let that get you down. I highly recommend this one although people who may not be so into RPG's and are more partial to quicker games with friendlier interfaces like Lego Star Wars may not like this one all that much.  Not for everyone, but still a classic for me.

Number 4 - Star Wars Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy (2003)

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I could just call this 'banter central-the video game' for how many mental circumstances one might get into while playing this well-customisable multi-person lightsaber & shooting action game.  To pin Jedi Academy down to one genre is truly difficult as it is essentially a game glued together of bits of RPG, FPS, 3rd-person platformer and shooter, adventure and mod simulator.  This is arguably the greatest strength of Jedi Academy in that it merges together multiple genre aspects and factors and easily comes out as the best game in the Jedi Knight series (1995-2003).  You can have a massive number of varied action set-pieces and running battles with your mates on the games' highly-moddable multiplayer and explore and break the games' laws of logic in a crazy number of ways.  Add to this a straightforward and simple but still rewarding single-player campaign which itself allows you to create an in-depth customisation of a main character and you get a very replayable game with more customisation and modding opportunities than you can shake a double-bladed lightsaber at.

This is arguably the most simple game on the list at its core and at its most un-modded though so I can't really say too much about the multiplayer without repeating myself or about the singleplayer without spoiling it.  The campaign does however elevate itself by bringing back some characters from the previous Jedi Knight games like the ever-dickish and awful teacher Kyle Katarn (aka that useless face-beard-wearing dickhead who never helps me out the bastard).  This game may be a bit simple in places particularly with the force powers and might not be as refined as Knights of the Old Republic but with its great replayability, modding capability and longevity thanks to being immensely forward and backward-compatible I would not only recommend this to any action-game lover but would do so wether or not they have a computer from 2005 or 2015.  It's also very cheap on digital format from most online stores so if you only have a few quid to spare I'd still say to give it a shot or swing.

Number 3 - Star Wars: Republic Commando (2005)

Image Source: imwithgeek.com

I mentioned this game before as well on my top ten list of favourite FPS games as a simple but robust and immensely enjoyable and satisfying shooter in which lightsabers are ditched for clone war-era tactical squad-based combat.  Therefore I'll try and not ramble too much about this under-appreciated classic of an FPS which melds together squad-based single-player with fast-paced multiplayer to create a satisfying experience that I would recommend to most FPS fans.  

There are two major issues with this one that I deigned to mention in my top ten FPS list which is regards to the games' unlockables and multiplayer variation.  The secrets and unlockables are fun to find and achieve but feel all to easy to achieve and apart from some concept art and a half-decent music video, really aren't worth much.  There's also the issue of how the tactical-squad-based combat present in the single-player isn't present in the multi-player and that the game modes on multiplayer seem a bit copy and pasted from other popular multi-plauer FPS games of the time and even now.  However. this is made up for by the games' aforementioned solid gameplay along with its punchy gunplay, simple but satisfying melee combat, challenging and fast-paced combat and immersive settings throughout the planets of Kashykk and Geonosis as well as a Republic Acclamator-class war cruiser.

It might not be the best or most refined FPS or even Star Wars game of all time but like Jedi Academy. this classic is well-compatible and usually very cheap on digital format so I would definitely recommend it to someone who needs a quick but challenging distraction.

Number 2 - Star Wars: Empire at War (2006)

Image Source: www.macgamestore.com

Whereas 2001-2003 was the age of 3rd-person action platformers, 2005-6 seemed to be the age of RTS gems as within 2006 alone we were treated to two gems of RTS gameplay.  First was the World War II-set Company of Heroes and then came Star Wars: Empire at War.  Empire at War sets itself out among mid-2000s RTS gems by having alternative single-player modes and multiplayer far stronger than the single-player campaigns on offer here.  Now this isn't to say that the Rebel and Empire campaigns in the original game or the Zann Consortium campaign in the expansion pack Forces of Corruption (2006) are bad at all as all three are very varied in their mission objectives, are expansive and decently challenging but compared to the rest of the single-player content and multi-player content they just don't match.

The galactic conquest in single-player is, at least for me, a more satisfying experience than the single-player campaigns because while there isn't as much variation on the objectives, there is allot more freedom of movement within the parameters of each conquest setting which allows for much more freedom of choice in expanding your borders.  The galactic conquest mode has resurfaced in multiple Star Wars games in different formats but it, without a doubt, reaches its zenith of quality in Empire at War as you are let free to roam and savage the galaxy as you see fit.  As for the multiplayer, LAN is much stronger in the galactic conquest mode but it is immensely enjoyable if a little deadlock-prone to clash with your mates in single battles either on land or in space with a massive number of varied and unique units and turrets with which you can form a wide variety of mad strategies.

As a big RTS nut I can't recommend this one enough.  Not only is this my second favourite Star Wars game but I would easily say that its my 3rd or 4th favourite RTS of all time as well.  Any accolades given to this gem when it was released are very well deserved and despite a somewhat tiring single-player campaign and weak extra content I would give any other RTS enthusiast the thumbs up on this classic.

Number 1 - Star Wars: Battlefront 2 (2005)

Image Source: store.steampowered.com

When the 2015 FPS reboot of the Battlefront series (2002-2005) came out and was well optimized, beautiful to look at and had great gunplay but ultimately boiled down to one of the most generic and standard FPS games released over the last few years you can imagine, with the fact that Star Wars: Battlefront II is my favourite Star Wars game that I was more than a bit disappointed.  Regardless, I respect the idea of moving the series in a direction it hadn't gone before because creating something new to a series even if it turns out to be a failure is about the bravest thing a developer can do.

It does bring back nostalgic memories however of when this much-awaited sequel to the 2002 classic Star Wars: Battlefront came out and blew the roofs and heads off of action-shooter fans and set itself out to be, arguably, the best game of 2005.  Not only is this my favourite Star Wars game but its easily one of my top 10 favourite games of all time seamlessly sewing together interchangeable 1st and 3rd-person shooting with multiple set soldier sets for each army in the game, content for both the Clone War and original trilogy and multiple types of turrets, unlockable heroes and vehicles not to mention the, in my eyes somewhat over-hated space battle mode,  This might not be the most graphically impressive game of all, time and certainly not on this list (that award would have to go to Lego Star Wars or Republic Commando) but with decent graphics for the PS2 era and a large variety of maps and settings you also feel like that this is a fun game to explore and run around in as well as shoot up the place.

There are some cons to this classic like how somewhat clunky the heroes V villains mode is or how some heroes on certain battle maps are a bit overpowered (Darth Vader on the Tantive IV I'm looking at you) and the space battles are a little bit copy/paste.  But this is still one of those games that has just enough charm, design pros and gameplay panache and variation to outweigh the cons so much so that you have, in my personal opinion, THE quintessential Star Wars gaming experience.

Sorry if this was a bit late and if my upload schedule was a bit lax recently but I hope you all have a great new year and am looking forward to seeing you all in 2016!

My YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHmq7KX4Qc46VGhYzWqQfOg/videos

Ted R's top tens #4: Top ten best selling music albums (as of September 2013)

Now this isn't something I'm used to doing.  You guys all know that my forte on this blog is to review either video games or movies or do top tens about those things and maybe historical facts and occasionally add in a food review or two.  But in all honesty I've never really thought of doing a post about music and seeing as how its probably the most expansive celebrity profession in the modern world I thought to myself, 'ah sod it, if there are Youtubers reviewing songs then I may as well do something similar'.  Thus, LO AND BEHOLD!  Here cometh the top ten selling music albums of all time!  (as of 28th August 2013).

Naturally everyone has their own tastes so some of the entries on this list may cause a few ruffled brows and mildly heightened blood pressures but even taking this into account, one cannot deny the popularity of an album or similar medium on the basis of how much it sells.  Therefore I'm discounting popularity as something to measure these albums by and am instead basing their height on the list solely on the number of copies sold.  Now without further ado, lets get down on the dance floor!

#10: Bat out of Hell by Meat Loaf (released 1977, tracks-7, genre-progressive & hard rock, produced by-Todd Rundgren)

In all honesty I thought that the likes of a progressive & hard rock album might not have a chance of appearing on this top ten (no offence intended to Meat Loaf fans or fans of the genres in general) because I've always thought of the two genres of progressive and hard rock as not being mainstream enough to grant wholesale success in sales.  But considering the cult following that artists like Meat Loaf have with their music and persona's to this day so many years after the golden years for hard rock in the later 20th century, perhaps this shouldn't appear as too much of a surprise to anyone with even limited knowledge of the genre.

In turn it seems that this most certainly translates into sales for Meat Loaf's best selling album of the 1970s which features the songs "Bat out of Hell", "You took the words right out of my mouth", "Heaven can wait", "All revved up with no place to go", "Two out of three ain't bad", the three part "Paradise by the dashboard light" and "For crying out loud".  Oddly enough though, sales for the album were slow despite it reaching 34 million sales, 20.5 million of which were certified and yet since the lukewarm reaction to the album it has since become hugely popular in the UK, US and Australia and elsewhere while reaching such high positions on other lists such as 9th on Australia's top ten most popular albums and 38th on the top 100 heavy metal albums list in a 1989 edition of Kerrang! magazine.

Unfortunately, despite the popularity that the album has garnered for itself, those involved in its production and the good Mr Meat Loaf himself one of its most lasting aspects have been the legal conflicts between Cleveland International and Sony Records over branding featured on copies of the album between 1995 and 2007.

#9: Led Zeppelin IV by Led Zeppelin (released 1971, tracks-8, genre-hard rock & heavy metal, produced by-Jimmy Page)

Hmm, you know I just thought of something about music and film in the 70s.  Perhaps the reason why there was such a big swing from softer forms of rock, swing and other slightly older fashioned genres of music in the 1970s is because of the broadening of social horizons and consciousness at this time due to events such as the cold war and Vietnam war which challenged thoughts in the minds of common citizens that supported pro-conventional/establishment sentiments.  Perhaps that's the reason why bands like Led Zeppelin and artists like Meat Loaf were so huge not so long after the, in hindsight, lyrically tame phenomenons like Elvis and the Beatles in the 60s and 50s.  Therefore it should be no surprise that this cultural swing in the early and mid-70s resulted in Led Zeppelin's best selling album of the 1970s reaching approximately 37 million sales in 1971, 29 million of which were certified.

Yet whereas like Bat out of Hell had a lukewarm initial appearance onto the scene of musical success, Led Zeppelin IV was a smash hit from the 'go' resulting in a smashing 23 million copies sold in the USA alone, generally good reception by critics upon release and high placement on popularity lists such as being placed 4th on the US Rock and Roll's hall of fame's '200 albums of all time'.  Not only this, the album stayed longer on US charts than any other by the band since and was praised for being one of the best albums of the year of its release what with being titled as a 'masterpiece' of ground-breaking song writing thus making the album not only popular but also culturally ingrained in the minds of Led Zeppelin fans for decades to come.

#8: Come on over by Shania Twain (released 1997, tracks-12, genre-country/pop/rock, produced by-Robert Lange)

Sigh.  I'm not going to lie, and I don't mean any offence to Ms Twain, her many fans and the other up and coming musicians who think that country is more credible against the other main current genres (i.e. pop, rap,  rock and modern R&B/soul) but I don't think that country music is collectively all that good (I'm looking at you Taylor Swift, you bloody psycho-ex-girlfriend nut-case).  Now there are some individual songs within the genre that I think are are as delicious as mature Brie with premium onion marmalade on a freshly baked baguette (i.e. "I feel like a woman" which is the best song on this album by far).  But for the most part I'd have to say that most country songs just don't appeal to me on the basis of how I think that most country tracks sound mono-note and are devoid of much variety in theme and tune.

Still, none can deny the popularity of Ms Twain's smash hit album of the late 1990s which sold a smashing 39 million copies, nearly 30 million of which were certified and resulted in Twain becoming vastly more famous than she was before by the popularity of her songs placing the album in the US top ten for 151 weeks.  Contrary to my earlier point about personal tastes though, the album was praised regardless for melding themes and parts of other genres such as rock into the usual fortes of country without diluting the traditional sense and themes of country music already present in the album's tracks.

#7: The Bodyguard: original soundtrack album by Whitney Houston and various others (released 1992, tracks-13, genre-pop & R&B, produced by-multiple persons including Houston herself)

You know its weird.  I swear sometimes that the soundtrack of the legendarily mediocre film The Bodyguard (1992) is more famous.  Then again, the dearly departed Ms Houston was more well known throughout her life for her musical talents and any film starring Kevin Costner as one of the main leads is bound to be pretty lukewarm (see Waterworld (1995)).  And therein lies the appeal of the album for if any of its songs are featured in a film or show then said film or show will probably be well recognised at least for a short time afterwards.

Case in point, this seems not only to be the case due to the fact that Houston had a shining career studded with stellar popularity but also that the soundtrack for the film of the same name as the album was indeed the best thing about The Bodyguard as its tunes are still recognised today as some of the most recognisable in modern music.  In turn it should appear as no surprise to anyone that the album sold around 40 million copies of which 27.4 million sales were certified making the album the best selling of the entire decade which in no doubt contributed to it reaching number one in the album charts in 17 countries.  Oddly enough, despite the album's since popular following, The Bodyguard: original soundtrack album received lukewarm reviews upon release usually rating somewhere around the halfway mark thus leaving some to think that the album's success could be pinned on the fame attributed to the dearly departed Ms Houston herself.

#6: Rumors  by Fleetwood Mac (released 1977, tracks-11, genre-soft rock, produced by-Fleetwood Mac, Kan Caillat and Richard Dashut)

Ok, now perhaps unlike the other bands/artists in the other entries in this list, I'm kind of mixed in my opinion towards how good Fleetwood Mac are.  Don't get me wrong, I acknowledge that the band has amassed considerable popularity and a cult following to rival that of the Clerks film franchise (1994-) but while I do like some of their songs like 'Dreams' I just don't find myself all that interested in their music perhaps simply because it just doesn't fit in with my tastes or that the lyrics of the band's songs don't connect with me much.  Just be glad that they aren't as bad in that regard as say someone like Kesha (no I'm not using her stupid fucking stage spelling).  Regardless of my film references and mixed feelings towards this band however, no one can deny that the 1977 album 'Rumors' was undeniably popular with a total of notably more than 40 million sales of the album upon its release of which 26.8 million sales were certified.

Fortunately for this popular soft-rock-with-occasional-hints-of-very-mild-techno band, the popularity of the album 'Rumors' is well warranted as unlike the soundtrack album for The Bodyguard this album received largely popular reviews from musical critics and magazines and has continued its popularity into the modern era along with the other works by Fleetwood Mac.  In fact, the album was so popular and well received at the time that it received a 35th anniversary re-release and was praised by band member Mick Fleetwood as "The most important album we ever made..." on account of the popularity that the album raised for the band thus enabling it to continue for years to come.

#5: Saturday Night Fever by the Bee Gees (released 1977, tracks-17, genre-disco, produced by-Bill Oakes)

THESE GUYS.  Man, if the Bee Gees had broken out in an explosion of fame nowadays they'd probably be laughed at for being so high-pitched and being so out of place in how flamboyantly dressed they were in their glory days.  Mind you, considering the freaking ridiculous costume wardrobes of artists these days like Nicki Minaj, Rhianna or Lady Gaga maybe they would probably fit right in.  However, regardless of how easy it is to poke fun at these legends of disco music, I can't deny that I wholeheartedly enjoy the cheesiness of the band's collective persona and the rhythm of the Bee Gee's music.

Despite the fact that the late-1970s was fast becoming the era of genres like heavier forms of rock and punk rock in the western world, the Bee Gee's top-selling album of all time cannot be denied in its obvious popularity as it sold between 40-41 million copies upon its release, nearly 19 million of which were certified.  What is peculiar about this album though, is that like The bodyguard: The original movie soundtrack album, Saturday Night Fever was also a soundtrack album to a film of the same (released in 1977 as well) name which in hindsight is most likely more popular for its soundtrack than its impact on cult popularity or the inclusion of a young John Travolta as the film's main star.  

#4: Back in Black by AC/DC (released 1980, tracks-10, genre-hard rock/rock, produced by-Robert Lange)

Again with Mr Lange producing an album on this list?  I mean come on people, Shiana Twain and AC/DC play mostly different music apart from a limited connection via both Ms Twain and the immensely popular rock band sometimes sharing the same genre of music in their works.  Ah well its not like it matters anyway, after all I definitely prefer the iconically rocking tones of the works of AC/DC over country music in all its twangy and ear-grating anti-glory.  Therefore its gratifying (for me personally at least) to know that AC/DC's top-selling album ranks among the top three best-selling rock albums so far in the history of music over a country rock album of sorts (again, I mean absoleutley no intended offence towards Ms Twain and her fans).

On top of this, I was even more gratified to learn that my favourite rock band had nearly 41 million copies of their best-selling album sold upon its release with a whopping 25.9 million of those sales being certified.  To add to this, the album's popularity has proven so paramount over the decades that since 1980 it is believed that about 50 million copies of the album have been sold worldwide.  Needless to say, the criticism that some might level at AC/DC for not being the most 'metal' heavy rock band may be a valid point in some cases of a few of their songs but the popularity of the band and the sheer popularity of Back in Black is a solid fact that cannot be ignored.

#3: Their Greatest Hits (1971-1975) by The Eagles (released 1976, tracks-15, genre-country rock/folk rock/soft rock/rock, produced by-Glyn Johns & Bill Szymczyk)

Ok now this'll probably piss a few people off but to be honest...don't really care much for The Eagles and their music.  Again, I have to say that one's taste in music is wholly subjective from song to song and artist/band to artist/band.  So I acknowledge that while I might not pay much attention to the pretentiously-titled top-seller of an album by the famed soft rock band, its position at number 3 on this list is perhaps well deserved because of its sheer popularity and the extended period of best hits of The Eagles that the album covers.  Also, not to rag on The Eagles or anything, but the album cover for their greatest-selling album confuses me a little, seriously, what in the blazes is that thing on the cover and what is it sitting in, snow or sand?

But really, this is all fluff when considering the fact that the album sold a massive 42 million copies of which 32.2 million sales were certified upon its release 5 years after the album had begun production.  This just goes to prove that even despite one's musical tastes, the popularity of a band is more so measured by the sales that said band makes rather than wider opinions towards said band and its albums.  Unfortunately for the music industry this seems increasingly the case with artists who either have little talent (i.e. Souldja Boy or Lil' Wayne) or artists who set a poor example and role model to younger and more impressionable fans (i.e. Justin Beiber).  Still, at least The Eagles based their success on a mixture of talent and respectable image (excluding the heated arguments during their 1980 break up).  So at least I can praise them for something.

#2: The Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd (released 1973, tracks-10, genre-progressive rock, produced by-Pink Floyd)

Ah, now this is an interesting entry indeed.  Not only is it the only entry by a British band/artist on the list, but it is also different to the previous 7 albums that had been released by Pink Floyd beforehand in the sense that it did not include extended instrumental excursions in its tracks.  On top of this, the album is also iconic in technical and visual terms.  Iconic in visual terms for having one of the most recognisable album covers of all time and also in technical terms for having the majority of the songs on the album based on technical and practical experiments to do with musical alteration and method.  This in turns means that the band was more able to express the themes of conflict, greed, the passage of time, death and insanity in a varying and vibrant number of technical manners.

This in turn resulted in The Dark Side of the Moon being the top-selling album by any British band/artist to date in the music industry which is no doubt obvious from the album's staggering 45 million sales, 22.7 of which were certified upon its release.  This in turn has translated into the album receiving such praise as being one of the most popular and important albums to musical culture in history so much so that it is a number of albums that has been selected for preservation in the US National Recording Registry of the Library of the US Congress.

#1: Thriller by Michael Jackson (released 1982, tracks-9, genre-post disco/pop/R&B/rock/funk, produced by-Michael Jackson & Quincy Jones)

Okay, lets be honest.  everyone but the most ignorant reading this top ten will have seen this coming.  Not only is the mighty and dearly deceased MJ regarded as the most popular music artist/personality of all time but his most famous song is the title of his best-selling album.  Naturally this would be placed at number one right?  I mean think about it, what if this list suddenly took a twist turn and we all of a sudden found out that the top spot was taken by a Bulgarian rural Christmas anthem from the 1970s.  Hang on, forgot where I was going with that point.

In all honesty though, what do I really need to say about this entry that already has been said?  Its songs are strikingly catchy, three of the most recognisable songs in western music are recorded on the album's roster of tunes, its the most popular album of the most popular artist and its cultural impact particularly on modern genres based on post-disco, pop and R&B are immense (perhaps more so for pop).  In turn this means that the album's impact is just as huge as its popularity which translated into 51-65 million sales of the album upon its release, 42.4 million of which were certified.  

Subsequently, this huge number of sales of the album have increased in multiple forms of music format even after Michael Jackson's untimely death in 2009 means that Thriller more than earns its place as the most popular and well-sold album of all time in musical history.

Now I hope you all enjoyed this top ten and just wanted to tell you all that I'll be going for a month to work on a panda conservation for a month in China on Friday which means that it may be a little more tricky for me to update with more frequent reviews, top tens and opinion blogs.  Still, I have always appreciated the patience of you guys and will try to get one more post up before I go away and attempt to do some while I'm working in China.

In the meantime, take care, care for others around you and if you are angry at my sudden announcement don't blame it on me...blame it on the boogy.

Ted R's Top Tens #3: My top ten strategy game units

Okay, compared to the last two top tens that I did, this one might cause a little more one-sided arguments considering the fact that its my personal opinion compared to the last two which were based solely on historical fact.  Regardless, this is a top ten that I've thought about for a while considering the fact that as mentioned before; 1) I like lists (not to sound like Brick from Anchorman (2004) or anything), 2) despite my disdain for individualism I believe that it's important to express one's opinion and 3) if there's one genre of games I like more than adventure, racing, FPS or puzzle then its RTS (Real-Time-Strategy).

Naturally in games like these there always has to be a core plan in your mind regarding how you aim to take down your opponent and at the core of this is usually one or a select few units playable through a certain army/faction that express your strategy style.  For me this can vary from slow-moving and methodical attritional strategies to swift strategies tuned to keep the enemy off-balanced and disorganised.  So without any further delay ladies, gentlemen and fellow RTS enthusiasts I present to you my top ten strategy game units.

#10: The Goliath from Company of Heroes (2006)

Now this first unit is more so a unit to simply fuck around with rather than build a strategy around.  Don't get me wrong, it does huge amounts of damage in single hits, scares the crap out of the enemy and is hard to spot on a war-torn battlefield thus making it great for sabotage and ambushes.  In particular, the Goliath which features in the legendary World War Two strategy game Company of Heroes is a remote controlled box on fast-moving treads that the German army deployed during the later stages of WW2 when it was clear that they had to start fighting dirty and using terror as more of a tactic in order to have a chance of turning the tide against the Allies in France and Italy and the Russians in Eastern Europe.

In the war, the Goliath didn't have a huge deal of success as it did have some psychological impact but never really changed the strategic prospects of the German army.  In Company of Heroes however this is quite the opposite.  In the game, the Goliath is fast to move around, except around corners, and so can be used to pounce upon gun positions, slow-moving mobile artillery or columns of infantry and inflict crippling amounts of damage by blowing up right in the enemy's face.  The only two big problems with the Goliath however is that 1) it has pathetically low armour and so can be destroyed at a distance by even lightly-armed scouts and 2) its nastily expensive at 125 ammo points just to build one.  However, if you like using the Germans in Company of Heroes and enjoy scaring the shit out of your opponent then this is the unit for you.

#9: Amphibious tanks from Supreme Commander (2007)

Now sometimes when you face a certain problems you will need someone or something that can sustain a multitude of helpful roles in any number of given situations.  In the world of strategy games when I think about things such as these, amphibious tanks from the sci-fi RTS Supreme Commander are one of the first things to pop up into my mind.  The good thing about Supreme Commander is that all four armies playable in the game including the extra one added on in the expansion pack Forged Alliance (2007) share the basic premise for many of their units albeit with different weapons and capabilities so there's not a great deal of preference between any of them for me (although I do like playing as the Aeon Illuminate allot). 

In particular, I like amphibious tanks allot above other ground vehicles in Supreme Commander due to the fact that whereas other tanks have to be transported over water via vulnerable and unarmed air transports in order to attack a river stronghold or an island, amphibious tanks, as you probably can guess, just go gliding straight over the water like Moses if he had been encased in armour and had his head replaced with a gatling cannon.  Therein lies one of the problems of the amphibious tank however, as it is armed with a weapon that performs well against low-flying aircraft and infantry, its kind of weak in head-to-head fights with other tanks and gun turrets.  But regardless of this, if you build an armada of these things and send them ashore on the enemy's bank with heavier tanks coming in from the air then you will be sure to inflict some nasty damage on the enemy.

#8: Graal Knights from Rome Total War: Barbarian Invasion (2005)

Now what is slower than David Cameron's so-called rebuilding of the British economy?  That's right!  Internet explorer with good connection and the Graal Knights.  In the context of what the term "cavalry" stands for actually, these heavily-armoured horsemen from the first Rome Total War expansion pack are an oddity in the sense that 1) they are not swift and quick, 2) they are not hard to hit with archers and such and 3) they look more grim and imposing with their grey armour and green cloaks with gold face-masks rather than the chivalrous image painted of most cavalry throughout history.  However, despite the fact that the Graal Knights are slow as hell and super-expensive to employ as mercenary bands in the campaign mode, they are an in-game investment worth making.

The main reason for this is the sheer shock value and gravitas that these horsemen have in the attack and even in the defence as both they and their horsemen are heavily armoured in scales of metal thus giving them greater weight and therefore striking power.  What's more is that as these warriors are so heavily-armoured, if you give them enough defence upgrades then they will probably be able to withstand any missile-fire from the enemy.  So despite the high cost, small unit number and rarity of these human tanks they are a force to be feared by any unsuspecting infantry and artillery.

#7: Assault squads from Dawn of War II (2009)

Much like the Total War games, the Dawn of War II series forces players to usually form a strategy that combines a mixture of close-quarters-combat units and ranged units in balanced harmony to rip the enemy to shreds like a bloodier and more fleshy version of Mattersons fridge raiders.  As for the assault squads available to the Space Marines in the Dawn of War II series however, they combine the best of both worlds sporting a vicious array of weapons such as electrified claws, electrified axes and chainsaw swords (yeah you heard me right, fuckin' chainsaw swords).  

This is because of the fact that despite mainly concentrating on melee weapons, the assault marines are equipped with jump packs allowing them to traverse rubble-strewn battlefields while scattering enemies like scattered M&M's of death when the assault squad lands.  Thereupon after being scattered like the pieces of a collapsing Jenga tower, the enemy are then set upon by the blades of your assault marines who can also jump away to safety if aforementioned scattered enemy is too strong to overcome.  The one problem with these unsubtle knights of the sky is that they die easily due to slightly lighter armour compared to other space marine infantry but make up for this with their mobility and cheap production costs.

#6: Sonic dolphins from Command and Conquer: Red Alert 3 (2008)

Okay, this is a weird one, whereas the last few entries included ideas for army units that at least sound halfway respectable, this one just sounds like a navy officer and maritime naturist got stoned then drew up stupid ideas for weapons for the navy before passing out from idiocy and the ridiculous levels of weed smoke in the air.  But how are these plucky little maritime dolphins with sonic cannons attached to their backs in a battlefield situation?  Actually they're not all that bad despite poor armour and lack of a concept that can be taken seriously.

In fact if you spam enough of these leaping and tenacious little critters then you'll be able to take down enemy shipyards and battleships while also making the enemy feel like the bad guy in a knock off version of Free Willy (1993) but with dolphins and sexualised support characters instead of whales and a stoic native American that looks oddly allot like an older Steven Segal.  Regardless, combining the novel weapons that these plucky little creatures pack, a cute demeanour and noise and a low production cost they are definitely worth employing in any navy that doesn't mind looking like complete fucking idiots.  Just to be off topic, why the HELL does Free Willy have three freaking sequels?

#5: AT-AT's from Star Wars: Empire at War (2006)

Now even for people who don't really play RTS games but at the very lease recognise popular culture, this entry should be recognisable and obvious why its here to allot of people particularly those who enjoyed Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980).  In the Star Wars universe, the galactic empire makes use of the heavily armoured, huge and slightly camel-shaped known as All-Terrain-Armoured-Transports to transport their infantry while scaring the enemy shitless with their huge and thunderous gait and huge blaster cannons.

Naturally, because of their huge size, power and diversity of roles, the AT-AT's in Empire at War are quite expensive to build and on top of this they find it as tricky to shoot close-up targets as it is for a Dyslexic with a fear of numbers to solve algebra equations.  Yet regardless of high costs and poor mobility, the AT-AT is rated among the top 5 on this list due to its devastating firepower, psychological impact of making opposing players crap their breeches and also being able to deploy squads of infantry with no population cap consequences.

#4: Redeemer from Command and Conquer 3: Kane's Wrath (2007)

Come on Ted, again with the huge and overpowered super-walkers?  Well readers, despite your misgivings, there are a good few reasons why the Redeemer is on this list.  Firstly, it is the first super-only-build-once unit that I only had to build once to win a campaign mission in a Command and Conquer game but aside from this and much like the AT-AT, the Redeemer has a multitude of different roles to fulfil.  Whereas the AT-AT is limited in these roles however to a certain extent on account of the fact that it can only act as a line-breaker, tank/building killer and transporter of support infantry.  The Redeemer can top this by also crushing enemy vehicles and infantry as well as sporting self-repair domes, rocket launchers, machine guns, flame-throwers and chemical waste-throwers depending on what infantry squad you choose to garrison the mighty walker with when you first build it.

Again however as with the AT-AT, the Redeemer is agonisingly slow and so is vulnerable to WMD's, aircraft and hit-and-run tactics equipped with anti-tank weapons.  Furthermore, the build time of 50 seconds means that if you mean to build this multi-purpose walker then you'd better be pinning the enemy down with counter-attacks or build so many gun turrets around your base that you call it a homage to the fortress of Verdun.  Still, if you're like me and can live with the occasionally slow unit that has enough fire-power to level an entire regiment of tanks single-handedly then the mighty and indomitable Redeemer is a unit for you.

#3: Rangers from Company of Heroes

Again with a unit from Company of Heroes?  I know, I know.  Look, while there is no doubt that this WW2 RTS is one of the best if not THE best of its kind then there is a chance that references to it in such things as top tens will be notably frequent.  Yet still, I can't help but not ignore the might of these fearsome American shock troops that were immortalised by famous feats during WW2 such as the freeing of many prisoner camps in the Philippines in 1945, the crushing of German forces in Western Sicily in 1943 and the sterling efforts made by these brave men in the fateful D-day landings on the 6th June 1944.

As you would expect from assault troops, these tough yanks are capable of wielding a multitude of weapons and come in default when you spawn them with a pair of bazookas and four rifles.  However, for 100 ammo points you can upgrade these fellows with sub-machine guns and make them into truly fearsome assault troops.  Admittedly, it can be a slog to push all the way up the infantry tech tree on one side for the Americans but it is worth it when you are rewarded with assault troops such as these that have a greater value than most infantry units in the game.  So be prepared, these plucky boys from the land of apple pie, liberty and really fucking awful reality daytime TV are a fearsome force on any map on Company of Heroes, so if you play as the Germans, you'd better have some machine guns and snipers handy.

#2: Imperial guard cavalry from Shogun 2 Total War:Fall of the Samurai (2012)

Yet again we have a unit with a multitude of handy roles on the battlefield ladies and gentlemen.  Yes I know I sound like a broken record at this point but these fearsome infantrymen on horseback are the cream of the crop of the mobile part of my force when I play as a pro-imperial clan in this marvellous expansion pack to Shogun 2: Total War.  Admittedly, all cavalry units in the Shogun 2 games can dismount from their horses and fight as grim foot sloggers as my beloved sharpshooters, imperial infantry and black bear infantry brigades can and therefore act as striking units but also assault units in a siege operation.  In particular, my favourite unit to perform this double task is imperial guard cavalry.

These elite troopers are basically the imperial guard of the Japanese emperor in the late 1860s on horseback so they have all the benefits of their foot-soldier counterparts by being able to hold the line and deliver volleys of fire in waves more rapid than most infantry regiments while being able to displace to a new position at short notice like someone with the runs rushing to the toilet after having eaten half a dozen lamb vindaloo curries.  The one drawback is that like cavalry throughout the Total War series, these soldiers number less men per-unit than infantry regiments do.  But being able to both deliver shattering volleys of gunfire to said enemy infantry and doubling this with the capability to run down fleeing enemies and artillery positions with alacrity means that imperial guard cavalry are more than capable of delivering savage amounts of damage in a multitude of different ways.

#1: The Flak 88mm 37 anti-tank & aircraft/artillery cannon from Company of Heroes

You're probably scratching your heads for a few reasons at this entry.  Why is another Company of Heroes unit so far up on this list?  Why is Company of Heroes so popular?  (I swear do not ask me that) Why is a static weapon beating more mobile units on this list?  Why does Vimto taste so danm tasty?  WHY, THE, FUCK, DOES, FREE WILLY, HAVE, 3 SEQUELS?!??!?!?!???  Again I could say that the Flak 88 is number one because it too fills a number of roles but that would be too easy.  So furthermore, I decided to put the unit at number one because 1) It can kill most American and British units in the game really easily and with only a few shots, 2) it fires as fast as a plate of pot brownies at a stoners meeting and 3) its one of the most iconic weapons used by the Germans in WW2.

In fact, most if not all tanks and aircraft used by the Americans, British and Soviets during the second world war must have, at some point, come up against this powerful and multi-purpose heavy weapon.  Not only that, but later in the war, the Flak 88 also became iconic and feared among allied troops as a quick-to-set-up artillery weapon that the Germans could use to pummel them with before vanishing into the safety of the distant hills.  The one problem with this mighty cannon in the game however is the fact that its cost for just building one is insane and will force you to spend your manpower and fuel points very wisely.  Still, if you want to instil gut-clenching terror in the enemy and turn entire armoured brigades into scrap metal then the Flak 88 will serve you well.  But seriously, protect it and use it wisely because it costs a fucking mint to make.

So there you have it, my top ten units in strategy computer games.  As may be the case with other players I tended to build this list on the basis of equal amounts of diverse roles, reasonable costs, power and manoeuvrability.  Tell me what you guys think of this list, what your favourite strategy game units are and suggest ideas for future top tens.

Until next time...shit... I forgot what to say.