Unlce Ted's Advice Corner #1

Just before we get into the jist of things today I would like to say sorry for being so unreliable recently and because of that I am changing the number of reviews from 2-per-week to 1-per-week, this is being done so that you lot get regular reviews that aren't being delayed so often.  Of course I'll still bring out smaller, extra reviews here and there so that you guys are suitably satiated (hmm that's a nice rhyme).

Now onto today's shindig...or whatever.  Today I'll tell you lads and ladies how to have the best time possible at a restaurant.

step 1: no matter what your diet is or who you're with or whether you're a Nyan cat, just choose what your gut instinct and taste tells you to go for.  Even if that thing is smothered in cheese, reeking purely of garlic or simply presented like a dog's dinner then you must still get it.

step 2: if you're waiting for ages for your food then it's always a good idea to have something to entertain yourself with in the meantime.  If you're with someone who doesn't have something like that just talk to them to pass the time or read your book to them or even tell them what's happening on your PSP.

step 3: usually there is a high chance of you sitting two or three tables away from some screamy little 3 or 4-year-old so you can do one of three things to cancell the little b******s voice out.  You can either; Listen to an I-pod or MP3 player, say to the person minding the child "excuse me could you please keep him/her quiet? Thanks" or my personal favourite, chuck the little git into the poultry freezer and leave them there.

step 4: If the person (or imaginary person) you are eating with is getting on your arse/nerves then just call someone who is better-looking over to your table and ask the person who you are already eating with to move away.

step 5: although it is funny to annoy the waiter by doing a rubbish French or Spanish accent or pretending that you're perfect (no-one is) it is (unfortunately) best to avoid such entertainment.  The reason for this is that you may find that after doing so, your newly arrived chocolate cake or spaghetti has some spit or excrement in it.

I hope that you guys are brimming with good tips and I'll be seeing you all later this week!

Please note that the notes of advice in this article are not utter Bull**** but are genuine advice points given buy a man who is definitely not completely insane.