Short version of review: ARGH! My bloody eyes are burning from how crap this is! And my ears are falling off from the rubbish voice acting!
Normal version of review: 'sigh'. Its at times when I watch films like this that I wonder how many other such abominations of film-making there are out there and why they all haven't contributed to an apocalyptic downfall of the film industry.
So yes, as you probably guessed already from the short version of this review; the 2000 film of Dungeons & Dragons is about as much use as a diarrhoea flavoured ice-lolly. To put it simply, there is nothing good about this film; the CGI is incredibly dodgy, some plot events go totally unexplained, the characters are all forgettable except for the one good black guy who is the first to die and on top of all that the two main bad guys are the living embodiments of 'over the top ridiculousness'. But don't worry!, The very formula, stereotypically-fantasy, 'been-done-a-thousand-times-before' plot will save the day!. The plot follows a pair of thieves, Ridley (the one with stupid hair played by Justin Whalin) and Snails (the typical 'not-too-clever' sidekick played by Marlon Wayans), on a quest in which they team up with a team of fantasy characters (a dwarf and elf who hardly do anything and an anoying, geeky mage) whereby they have to stop some guy from using some red staff to summon loads of dragons and whatever.
Folks, to say that this film is bad is putting it kindly. To say that its really bad is putting it lightly. To say that its a f*****g piece of s******g garbage is still to kind. To say that its about as detestable, bad, ugly and deplorable as Margret Thatcher is about right, no really, its THAT bad. On top of all the horror iv'e already heaped on this monstrosity its quite fair to say that all except one (Jeremy Irons) of the actors are unrecognisable no-bodies. Double that with the fact that they all botch every one of their scenes and lines and you have a film that in some places is nearly impossible to watch, oh yeah, there's hardly any character development (just like in the Transformers films).
Despite all this its actually worth watching the damn thing just to see the totally over-the-top turn at the end of the film by Iron's character 'Profion' and Profion's main henchman: a bald guy with red ears, crappy-looking armour and (god only knows why) purple/blue lipstick. To make this all worse, the main henchman with blue/purple lipstick is by far the worst actor in the entire film. His lips are always jutting to one side, all of his lines are spoken so badly that they sound like he's got a loaf of bread stuck down his throat and his face only knows 3 expressions (blank, blank but slightly annoyed, in over-the-top pain).
People, I could go on and on and on and on about how bad this film is like how the girl playing 'the empress' is one of my top 10 worst actors EVER, but i've exhausted my complaining glands enough for today. So I leave you with two small things. 1-an urgent request for you all only to see this film for the stupid ending. And 2-a short review of the film Grease 2: GRAHH! my bloody ears are falling off!, again!.
No comments:
Post a Comment